On the Normandy
by Masstheory
Summary: Interactions between the crew of the Normandy and the Shepard twins! (Just noticed that the first one was deleted, not sure what that was about)
1. MordinJohanna

**Heyo! So for those of you that follow my Forever Family story, this is just something as a tidbit. I feel like a lot of the crew is left out on that story besides those I flagged. And what's Mass Effect without all that juicy backstory. So this is my solution. Don't expect constant updates. I will mostly write this when writer's block puts the other story on hold. Will focus on all interactions. Focuses on all Normandy interactions not just Shepard and crew. Ironically though, first Chapter is Mordin/Johanna. Sorry for the deletion the first time, I'm not sure why that happened. But on the bright side, I don't have to go in chronological order. **

"So, Mordin, you were in the STG?" Johanna asked as she pulled the last hidden camera out of the ventilation duct. It was how she spent her time when she wasn't calibrating the main gun of the Normandy. She didn't like the Illusive Man knowing everything that was said and while the doctor had been thorough in his own investigation, she did find one the size of an earth fly in the vents he missed.

"Yes. Exciting years. Working with unknowns and with minds worthy of the term genius." He stopped and proudly looked into the void of space. "Best years of my life. Wonder, what do you know about STG?" Johanna sighed and got out of the air duct hanging by both arms as she answered.

"I had a few STG contacts that I pressed from information from time to time. I know anyone in it is damn clever and is privy to just about anything that they need. It was good for tech or info that was not known to the average military." She told the elder salarian before letting go and dropping onto the floor. "I remember, I met this one Salarian, green skin tone and a knack for bombs. He was an assassin, former STG. Tried to take me out with an improvised bomb that was stashed in this pair of Thanix cannons that got delivered for me. Almost got me too. An assistant I had opened the package first though, a young human named Carver. Blasted the poor bastard all over my placed and wedged a searing hot piece of metal in my knee. Took an implant to set the damn thing right."

"Hmm, implant sloppy, lazy. Could have corrected much easier with cloned osteoblasts taken from bone marrow. Natural healing process better for human body and less need for synthetic assistance. Would have also increased strength of bone to prevent further injury." Mordin commented, looking up at the woman as she set the bug on his table. "Ah, microbug. Low tech, easily missed by scanners and eyes. Should have proceeded with a more thorough sweep but need to work on seeker swarm counter measure."

"Don't worry about it, Doc. I just specialize in this type of thing." Johanna assured, debating between smashing the bug or hacking it so all it played was white noise with the occasional whisper. Mordin noted her devious look as she looked at the bug, taking his mental notes.

"Must say. Personality between brother and you oddly diverse. Would have guessed familial relationship by appearance, similar smiles, eyes, other small things. Never would have guessed based on personality. Share some things, joking nature, loyalness, unnatural charisma but view world differently. Brother sees world as egg, fragile, in need of protection. You see world as garden, beautiful and teeming with resources." Mordin mentioned, leaning on his table and looked at her thoroughly. Johanna smiled and crossed her arms.

"I thought Kelly was the shrink here. Tell me Doc, you're a xenobiologist and a skilled tech. What else are you?" Johanna asked sarcastically. Mordin raised his right hand and rubbed his chin.

"Psychoanalysis sometimes required to properly treat patient. Some patients will reject certain treatments based on personality. Example. If brother had negative personality, hiding emotions, cruelty towards enemy, ruthless nature. His body would reject implants. Eyes would deteriorate, scars would deepen and enlarge. Since brother has positive outlook, allows scars to heal completely and maintain post mortem appearance. Body accepts implants and allows for biological repair." Mordin explained. "Don't mistake my ability for knowledge. Only know basics, Chambers only member properly trained for determining mental health."

"You've caught my attention Doc. Tell me, would my body reject those implants had I been the one who died and was brought back?" She wondered. Mordin thought for a moment about it. Johanna wondered about the thought process of this Salarian, if he thought in the same garbled way that he talked. She knew Salarians had incredibly speedy thought processes, a product of their short lifespan. It made them invaluable shock troopers, able to make the most complex decisions in a moment's notice. However, Mordin seemed even more eccentric than any of the Salarians she had met.

"Hmmmm, impossible to say for certain. Too many variables, too little data. Would have to factor in shock of returning to life after two years in catatonic state. Also will need ideals on Cerberus, thoughts on cybernetic implants, decisions made with little thought. Must gather data. First observation would tell me that you take opportunistic stance, benefitting at others demise. Much like the earth species vulture." Mordin said.

"Well, if that doesn't make me feel all warm inside." Johanna dryly joked, crossing her arms and leaning back on one leg. Mordin held up hands in his defense.

"Merely offering first observation, nothing conclusive yet. After initial meeting, can consider following evidence. Abandoned lifelong work to help brother, loyalty a strong trait among family. Have not had altercation with Cerberus crew despite obvious tension." Mordin began to list. Johanna froze as Mordin listed off the latter reason, unsure if she had been so obvious or if the doctor knew more about her than he was letting on. Mordin noticed her look of unease and stopped his list to say. "Read service history. Served Akuze. Not Alliance but many races aware of slaughter. Allowed other races to take more precautions when in Thresher Maw areas. Rumors of Cerberus being involved outstanding, more so following the death of Admiral Khohaku. Reasonable assumption bad blood between Cerberus." Johanna nodded, and stared at the table, keeping her mind focused on the doctor as he continued his analysis. "Finally, relationship with Vakarian, unknown in life, suggests friendliness to outsiders. Ultimately, positive attitude does not outweigh negative tendencies. Best possible guess, implants would merely lay dormant, unable to cause harm or heal. Will remain neutral."

"Well, Doc, thanks for that. I better get going. We both probably have better things to do." Johanna excused herself.

"Yes, of course. Still trying to find culprit of scale itch." Mordin mentioned. Johanna stopped at the door and raised an eyebrow, unsure what that disease was. "Sexually transmitted disease. Causes intense itch, severe rash, painful boils, all centered in groin area. Also, only found in Varren. Implications unpleasant." Johanna had to suppress the smile that tugged at her lips. It seemed an inappropriate thing to laugh at, someone committing bestiality and then paying for it with something so horrible. Before she could ruin her good name by the laugh that was sure to follow, she hurried out of the med-bay and up to the captain's quarters to share the news.

* * *

**Warning: Future chapters will feature a xenophobic Miranda, a sexually tense conversation between Ken and Gabby, and other combinations. **


	2. ZaeedKelly

**Figured I would do a Kelly/Zaeed chapter. She's a shrink but we rarely see her doing any actual shrinking. Read, Enjoy, Review. **

"Is this necessary?" Zaeed complained, sitting across from Kelly.

"Yes, we need to be sure that everyone on this ship is in the right mental state for this mission." Kelly explained as she placed her fingers on the keyboard. Zaeed unexpectedly laughed at this, looking at her.

"Sweetheart, if I was in my right mind, I wouldn't be on a damn suicide mission, would I?" Zaeed told her, folding his arms and leaning back in his chair. "But hell, what do you want to know?"

"Tell me about anything. A mission, a former love, or day of shore leave." Kelly told him.

"Alright then. One time, this bastard, a turian with too many credits for his own good, hired us to free some slaves from the Blood Pack down on some Batarian colony." Zaeed began, thinking back to one of his first missions. "Hired a whole team of mercenary hotshots. Bunch of idiots if you ask me."

"You freed slaves?" Kelly asked. Zaeed let out his laughed and leaned forward, staring at her intensely with his one good eye.

"That Turian didn't get rich through good deeds. We were going to kill the Captain and guards just so another team could swoop in and gather them all up. Basic slaver attitude. Why get your own slaves when you can just take the weaker guys. And even if he didn't take the slaves, you took other slavers off the market. Better demand for you." He told her. She nodded gravelly and made a small note. Zaeed sighed and leaned back, looking at the ceiling as if he was imagining himself back on that Batarian colony. "Anyways, as I was saying, I was put in charge of the squad. Bout as rowdy as they were stupid. There was one particular Turian that seemed to hate being ordered around by a human. Thought he was some hotshot that could do this by himself. Ignored most of my orders. Damn idiot."

"Do you have lot of experience leading trained mercenaries?" Kelly asked. Zaeed chuckled to himself.

"Sweetheart, I founded on the biggest merc groups in the galaxy. I got enough experience to make Alliance admirals jealous." Zaeed told her. Kelly had hoped he would elaborate more but was sadly disappointed as he continued on with his story about the slavers. Kelly wrote down another note. "Where was I? Oh, so, this Turian was a problem from the start. The first part of the mission went as planned, we pushed the Blood Pack past their walls and into the buildings. Had them on the run and this Turian got cocky. Rushed ahead, was going to storm a room by himself. So this turian moves in by door, ignores my hand signal, and gets hit straight through the visor."

"Oh my." Kelly responded. A quick tap of keys and Kelly focused on the story again.

"It's like he was expecting the slavers to hand out business cards instead of bullets." Zaeed commented.

"Was he alright?" The Yeoman asked.

"The Turian? Nah, the sniper took his head clean off." Zaeed calmly told her.

"Oh dear." Kelly responded. She made a note about how calm he was telling her this.

"Right. It all went to shit after that. We jammed their radio equipment, but the slavers got off that came back with a bomb. Would have made the entire camp into a gudddamn crater in the ground." Zaeed told her.

"But they were keeping people in that camp!" She was appalled by the disregard of life by this faction of Blood Pack. Zaeed laughed, and shook his head at her paragon attitude.

"Sure, they'd lose some credits, but there's always another civilian transport in the Terminus Systems. Slaver economics." Zaeed told her.

"So I'm beginning to realize. What did you do?"

"Got the hell out. We killed their captain and the guards like we were hired. I figured the merc flying the shuttle wouldn't be dumb enough to blow up his own base once we left. After all, no slaves and we got a serious pay reduction." Zaeed smiled and shook his head as he remembered what had happened after that.

"What happened?" She wondered, assuming that one of his team may have disobeyed orders again or something of the like.

"The Blood Pack always did like them incredibly guddamn stupid. Bastard blew his camp sky high even though were safely out of range." Zaeed told her, sitting up and making a small motion as if his hands were the explosion. Kelly nodded and made her last note. "Our employer wasn't happy but he paid us at least. We completed what we were hired to do. Went out and bought my new armor after that. Wasn't a total loss."

"Thank you for your time. I have what I need." Kelly told him, closing her computer and standing up from the table.

"Any time sweetheart. Love to share my worldly knowledge with you Cerberus lackeys." Zaeed told her as she left. "Just bring alcohol next time."

* * *

**So, as I'm doing this for fun, I will take suggestions from the audience! Choose a group you would like to see. Strange? Odd? Confusing? All the better!**


	3. ThaneSamara

**Figured I do a Thane/Samara one. Seemed like they had too little contact with each other due to their similar personalities. Read, Enjoy, Review. **

"Do you need something?" The Drell assassin greeted Samara as she entered the life support room, not looking away from the window he had been staring through. Samara noted him quickly, not having known that the man was in here and folded her arms behind her back.

"I apologize. I did not know that someone had taken residence in this area of the ship." She told him as she calmly walked to the window that he was facing. Thane noted how she walked without fear of his presence, despite knowing his training and background. He recalled what he knew about her. She was a Justicar, a proud warrior among her people, with centuries of experience on her. He thought about how he would have killed had they met anywhere but through Shepard. Front approach, throat-punch to collapse airway, arm control lock to neutralize biotics, advanced hip throw, grip chin and scalp, neck-snap. He knew she would be compelled to kill him through her code and he her in defense of himself. "I merely admiring the complexity of this ship."

"Yes, this ship is quite the marvel." Thane agreed, watching her movements. She was bound by Shepard's will, so she would not attack him but he imagined a scenario in which she had. Warp field on biotic barrier, step past, kick to back of leg to collapse knee, step in with knee to spine, grip chin and scalp, neck-snap. It sounded easy in his head but he did not see this Justicar falling so easily. He doubted his chance of survival in a fight, even if he was successful in defeating her.

"It has been a long while since I have travelled on a ship with so many. It is….odd." She confided as she stared into the calming aura of the drive core. It had the same effect it had on her like it had on Thane. The simple scene of it, powering the Normandy along and sending out small bursts of light calmed them down to the most basic instinct. Thane liked this room because it helped him keep his mind calm when he meditated or simply cleaned his rifle.  
"Yes, I am used to working alone as well." Thane agreed with her. "Had it been under other circumstances, I may have refused. But my time in this galaxy is limited and this would give me a chance to atone."

"I am aware you have Kepral's syndrome. It is a shame that your species must suffer underneath it. I was still in my maiden stage when the Hanar evacuated your species from your planet." Samara told him, turning around and seating herself in the chair that Shepard had sat in just minutes before. "It is never a good thing for a species to lose their world. I still feel loss when I think about the Quarians. They had such beautiful music."

"It is hard to imagine having a lifespan equivalent to that of the Asari." Thane told her. His own lifespan would have been 85 years, had he not contracted Kepral's syndrome, a span shorter than even humans.

"It is hard to imagine your short spans as well. To me, even the oldest alien seems like a child, barely out of their maiden stage before they are claimed by the Goddess." Samara told him as well. "It is what makes it so odd when aliens such as Shepard come along. With a wisdom far beyond his years."

"Yes, Shepard does seem wiser than any other alien I've met, even if he does mask it with humor. Meeting him…has opened my eyes a little more. Made me reconsider some of my choices." Thane told her. Samara nodded in agreement, turning her head so that she was staring back into the drive core with Thane. That was how the spent the better half of the next hour, silently contemplating each other while watching the ship power source pull them along.

"I should go. This has been a peaceful talk." Samara told him, standing up from her chair and bowing her head slightly. "And you should know, had we met under any occasion that was not Shepard, I would have been forced to kill you."

"It is okay, siha. I have already thought of how to kill you as well." Thane replied, folding his hands in front of him once more as Samara left him alone. And he was sure that he caught the ever so slight makings of a smile on her face as she left.

* * *

**I figured Siha would fit for Samara, considering. And her age and profession alone is enough to make Thane pause, so, there. Thanks for reading. **


	4. LegionJohn

**Legion/John Shepard. Read, Enjoy, Review.**

"Shepard-Commander, we wish to inquire about something we have noticed." Legion stated to John as he walked up to the Commander in the mess hall, where he was eating with Garrus. John paused in the middle of his gumbo bite before shrugging his shoulders and putting the spoon back into his bowl. Garrus's mandibles flared but he pretended to not be paying attention to the conversation.

"Of course Legion." John told him. The geth rarely came out of the AI core unless it had a question about human behavior or a different organics behavior. He put the spoon back to his lips and took the soup that was in it.

"Is Shepard-Commander and Creator Zorah attempting to procreate?" Legion asked, causing John to momentarily choke on his food. Garrus let out a small chuckle and stood up from where he was sitting.

"Well, that's my queue to leave." He said with a laugh before picking up his tray of dextro friendly food and walking out of the mess hall, leaving John alone with Legion. John coughed uncomfortably as his throat finally cleared of food, leaving the Commander to glare at his friend as he abandoned him in a crucial moment without even attempting to get him out of it.

"Ummm….well, why do you ask?" John nervously wondered as he tried to find a way out of this conversation. He was far from embarrassed about his relationship but discussing things with an AI was different that with another person or species. AI's liked to be direct and forward.

"When we scanned Creator Zorah's omni-tool, we also collected data of downloaded suit applications designed for creator-human intimate contact." Legion told him. John sighed and realized that he should have realized sooner that the Geth had to have gathered more than just the fleet information when he had scanned Tali's omni-tool. "We've also noted that Creator Zorah's pheromones fluctuate when she is in a close proximity with Shepard-Commander as well as heat sensors on erogenous zones suggest that Shepard-Commander and Creator Zorah plan coitus in the future." Legion didn't notice John's reddening face as he continued. He knew that AIs didn't think the same as organics, definitely lacking that same drive and motivation for watching the females of a species. Still, the thought of Legion watching Tali's…..erogenous zones left him wondering how he should feel about it.

"I suppose that you have….something to say on the subject?" John asked. Suddenly, he didn't seem like eating the gumbo in front of him.

"We merely wish to inform you that procreation between Creator and humans are biologically impossible. A pairing between the two would not benefit either species population." Legion told him.

"Um, that's not why I'm with Tali, Legion." John told the machine. The geth's headflaps when up in its obvious sign of confusion.

"Clarify." He asked.

"Relationships are based on whether or not we can have babies Legion. Tali and I care each other, and that's why we're together." John informed the AI.

"We do not understand. Our coding tells us that organic instinct is to find a susceptible mate that would allow them to expand the lifespan of their species." Legion voiced. "Synthetics are driven much the same way, only with different means to accomplish that same goal."

"While that might have been true in our distant past, it's not really the case anymore. We get into relationships because we like the person, because we can't imagine our life without that person, not because we can….reproduce." John shook his head as he finished, realizing that saying it that hadn't made him feel any better.

"We see." Legion said after a long silence. "We will adjust our current information of organic mating to better fit these parameters. May we offer our own advice in light of this information?"

"Um, sure Legion. I guess." John sighed, silently wishing this conversation to get far less embarrassing.

"We suggest thoroughly cleaning any bacteria off of anything Creator Zorah might touch while outside the confines of her suit. We will also send you a compiled list of popular aphrodisiacs and sensitive areas among the Creator race." Legion told him.

"That's okay Legion. Mordin has already done that too." John told him, scratching the back of his head nervously. Legion was silent for a moment, his headflaps moving up and down for a moment before he nodded.

"We see. Then we will exchange data with the Solus-Doctor and send what information that he did not." Legion told him.

"Um, no thanks Legion. I think I'd rather figure it out on my own." John told him with a sheepish laugh.

"We see. Very well, we will not confer with the doctor." Legion nodded his understanding. John sighed and shook his head with relief. It took him hours to sort through the last thing that Mordin had sent him, the doctor's notes much similar to the way he speaks. He doubted he could handle Legion's helpful advice either. "Shepard-Commander, we have another question?"

"Uh, sure Legion. Go ahead." John told the geth, unsure whether or not he would come to regret this.

"Is Vakarian-Officer and Shepard-Johanna also planning to attempt procreation later?" John sighed and rubbed his head. Yes, he was definitely regretting it now.

* * *

**I can't imagine Legion being very subtle when discussing relationships and I also gave him the basic understanding of...mating purposes. He is a machine after all. Also, we never learned why Legion was scanning Tali's tool in the first place, only knowing he discovered the data about the tests against the geth after he had scanned the tool, so I like to imagine he picked up something more while doing so. So, this was a talk I imagined.**


End file.
